btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
