Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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