haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
