His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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