Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
