I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
