Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just saw a hot homeless man
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
