i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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