i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
