and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
