I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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