..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
