At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
