i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
