i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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