did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
