I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
