i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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