Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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