end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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