This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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