He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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