do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
