my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
