As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
third nipple confirmed
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
