She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
This house was built for laser tag.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
