every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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