i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
