Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
