that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
