Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize