I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
