Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
