Well douche your snatch and let's go!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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