Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He has the fingertips of a God
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