I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
