It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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