I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
