There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
