I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
