I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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