So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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