Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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