I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
