Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
