dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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