I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
