forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
