just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
