I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
