I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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