I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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