Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
