you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
