Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
