a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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