My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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