Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
