Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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