I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
