when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
If I die, sorry about rent.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
