his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
